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Triptych: Pyrex Explosion
What happens when you roast three beets in a glass Pyrex dish, remove them from the 400 degree oven, and immediately plunge the whole lot–dish and all–under running cold water? I probably don’t have to...
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Slice of Life — Still Life with Cutlets
A WOMAN, mid-40′s, and her MOTHER sit next to each other in a messy KITCHEN. They are scrolling through pictures on a digital camera. WOMAN And there she is gardening out back. And at the farmers...
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Which Came Last…
The Easter or the egg? I ask because Bunny Day seemed utterly endless this year. The festivities–for us, at least–stretched over six days; MJ attended a total of five (!!) egg hunts. All but one of...
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Portrait of an Immaculate Appliance
I admit it–I went a little crazy. Yesterday, after stumbling upon the New York Times’ article about hidden bacteria in the kitchen, I got massively freaked out. My fridge hasn’t been deep cleaned since...
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Slice of Life: My Dinner with MJ
FADE IN on a MOTHER, mid 40′s and disheveled, and a 3-year-old GIRL sitting at a dining room table. Before them are plates of tortellini and carrot sticks. The GIRL listens while the MOTHER talks....
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Rosemary’s Toddler
Most kids like toys. Mine? She’s all about the nosegay. On Sunday we attended a barbeque at our friends’ house. They have a nice situation–lots of rooms, a gym, big pool, state-of-the-art kitchen,...
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Two Birds With One Scone
In, the end, of course, the class went fine. True, the birdhouses took up just fifteen minutes of the kids’ time–there’s only so much you can do to two square inches of cheap cardboard. Oh, they drew...
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Rocket Bottom
I remember a Bozooka Joe cartoon from when I was a kid. It was just one panel, and featured a mother saying to her son: “I’ve told you a million, billion times not to exaggerate.” I didn’t get it at...
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Pesto Al Bano
There are things you swear, as a parent, you’ll never do. Then there are the things you can’t swear you’ll never do because it would never enter the mind of any sane person that you–or anyone–would...
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Annie Pall
Note to self: next time you’re in a mid-life crisis, do not pick up a Diane Keaton autobiography. I repeat. Do. Not. This time it’s too late. No one warned me. And now I’m fully depressed. Yes, I...
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Order Up!
Myra-Jean has a new ploy in mind to keep me home from work. Or at least keep me with her. She and I are going into business together. She came up with this yesterday while we were sitting eating...
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Loaf Lost
If we were a restaurant, we’d have been shut down by the health department today. Yes, it’s a meatloaf. Don’t laugh. That’s the final version. There was an earlier incarnation, which tasted...
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Happy Meal
Happiness is: Hating your new co-workers a little less. Coming home to find your daughter still awake, even though it’s an hour past her bedtime. Being so excited to see her that you almost break your...
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To Do or Not To Do
Who says grownups don’t have homework? We’ve got a shitload. And there’s no blaming the dog if we don’t get it done. I’ll speak for myself. I can’t catch up. If life were a graded class I’d be...
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To Done, 12/1/13
On early shift. Woke up at 6:30 with MJ. Gave her breakfast, read half of “Encyclopedia of Dinosaurs.” Played six rounds of Candyland. Won more than I would’ve liked. Fed both animals. Put in a load of...
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Salt And Pay-Per-View
A couple of nights ago I ate a jar and a half of pickles. In one sitting. A jar and a half. Admittedly, it was spread out over three episodes of “Girls,” but still. That’s a lot. Enough to make me...
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Mellow Yellow
Turmeric milk. Yum. Ish. I’ve started drinking it every day. I know it’s an eccentric habit, but, considering that a friend of mine recently tried to get me to start drinking my morning urine–and I...
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Bricked In
Snapshot of this moment: I am sitting in the breakroom at work, surrounded by tupperware containers and an assortment of old condiments. I am eating a peanut butter sandwich with homemade jam. It is...
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(Sis)turmeric Love
Little sisters. Such copycats. Abigail, whom you may remember from her infamous chicken foot stew, has now jumped on the turmeric bandwagon. And, as usual, one-upped me–by mixing her turmeric into a...
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